Disclaimer: real names of places, people and events may have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me.

XOXO, R.

 

Anonymous asked
When spooning with someone, do you tend to be the inside (getting hugged) our outside spoon (doing the hugging)?

Hey Anon!

You got me realizing that it has been a gabillion years since I last spooned.

Le sigh.

Le hint.


That booming noise inside your brain. The fog that you’re looking through, trying to see clearly, but can’t. The silence you hear in the night, when your mind takes full advantage of your vulnerable position and torments you with thoughts of better times.
Heartbreak.
It’s not the type of sadness that makes you cry all the time. It’s not the type of sadness you feel at the end of Titanic. It’s the type of sadness that consumes your body, leaving you unable to function or keep a solid thought. It makes you tired, yet you can’t sleep. Your aching sadness follows you into your dreams.
You often wonder why it’s even called heartbreak, because in actuality, it’s every part of your body that is broken. Those butterflies that once danced in your stomach now feel like they are being picked off, one-by-one, by a crazed, psychopathic Cupid.
It’s the type of feeling that isn’t as easily expressed on the outside as it is on the inside. You hear the screams of your sadness without even uttering a word. It’s the sound of snow quietly falling but the feeling of a bomb exploding. It’s hurt that only you can hear.
You wake up in the morning to shake your pillow case, hoping that the sweet dreams and memories of what was once the happiest time in your life would come tumbling out.
But they don’t. And finally you realize: you may have lost someone who didn’t love you, but they lost someone who truly loved them.

A piece on Thought Catalog that got me sniffling into my pillow. It must be Ryan’s time of the month.

That booming noise inside your brain. The fog that you’re looking through, trying to see clearly, but can’t. The silence you hear in the night, when your mind takes full advantage of your vulnerable position and torments you with thoughts of better times.

Heartbreak.

It’s not the type of sadness that makes you cry all the time. It’s not the type of sadness you feel at the end of Titanic. It’s the type of sadness that consumes your body, leaving you unable to function or keep a solid thought. It makes you tired, yet you can’t sleep. Your aching sadness follows you into your dreams.

You often wonder why it’s even called heartbreak, because in actuality, it’s every part of your body that is broken. Those butterflies that once danced in your stomach now feel like they are being picked off, one-by-one, by a crazed, psychopathic Cupid.

It’s the type of feeling that isn’t as easily expressed on the outside as it is on the inside. You hear the screams of your sadness without even uttering a word. It’s the sound of snow quietly falling but the feeling of a bomb exploding. It’s hurt that only you can hear.

You wake up in the morning to shake your pillow case, hoping that the sweet dreams and memories of what was once the happiest time in your life would come tumbling out.

But they don’t. And finally you realize: you may have lost someone who didn’t love you, but they lost someone who truly loved them.

A piece on Thought Catalog that got me sniffling into my pillow. It must be Ryan’s time of the month.

Anonymous asked
Hi Ryan!! I like wearing woman clothes am I a tranny??

Hi Anon!

(Requisite disclaimer that I am not a trained, licensed therapist and that medical and mental health professionals and clinicians may be a better fit for your needs.)

A transsexual is a person who does not identify with his or her assigned sex. A person may be born a man (with all the hilarious man bits: the pee pee, the ding dongs and all that) but identifies as a woman. A transvestite (cruder name: crossdresser; more academic term: autogynephilia) is a person who dressed in a manner more typical of a person from another gender for various reasons, perhaps as an entertainer or as a fetish. The two are often conflated in popular culture as being synonymous with each other ("Ee mommy, man wearing a dress!!") when they really are two distinct concepts that are related to each other in terms of subverting usual gender roles and expectations which have been ingrained into us by culture.

I am unsure about the reason why you prefer to wear female clothing (I am assuming you are a biological male). The reason being the determinant whether a transsexual or a transvestite may describe you better. I would suggest speaking to a therapist or clinician specializing in LGBTQ areas as transsexuality and transvestism isn’t an area I have much knowledge in other than as a layperson. Do consider Oogachaga, I suspect they may fit your needs better than I do!

Lesson learnt: barefoot power walking or jogging is great on normal pavement (and occasional sprints across asphalt as long as it is not pre-baked by the blazing noon sun). But going naked on the treadmill is NOT a good idea because moving rubber belt + bare feet = major skin removal.

Lesson learnt: barefoot power walking or jogging is great on normal pavement (and occasional sprints across asphalt as long as it is not pre-baked by the blazing noon sun). But going naked on the treadmill is NOT a good idea because moving rubber belt + bare feet = major skin removal.

Played 42 times

Who will be the one to save me from myself?
Who will be the one who’s there?
And not ashamed to see me crawl…
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall?

It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you’ve been on
That you’re coming off
Leaves you feeling lost.

Is anybody out there?
Does anybody see?

Catch Me When I Fall
Ashlee Simpson


Being an indecisive person in day-to-day life may not sound like the greatest of burdens in this troubled world, but it certainly presents its challenges. Challenges that people who are not chronic over-thinkers don’t even know exist in their la-de-dah, it’ll-all-work-out, easy-go-lucky state of mind (lucky them).
Being an experienced chronic over-thinker myself, I can’t even walk into a Coldstone for ice cream without having a minor panic attack over the array of flavors, and on top of that, the add-ins and toppings. And god, what size do I want? It’s too much. What if I choose one flavor, but then realize I want the other? There’s no going back, I’m stuck with the cake batter and Heath what in the world was I thinking? Why did I make such a stupid choice? I. Am. An. Idiot. I should have picked the chocolate. Yeah, that chocolate was definitely calling my name…
And before we chronic over-thinkers know it, the poorly chosen cake batter and Heath is gone, and we barely enjoyed one bite because time and energy were spent thinking about the chocolate.
But what exactly goes on in our minds? Here’s a start (and trust me, this list is just grazing the surface; see, already over-thinking):
1) Nothing is ever 100 percent, certainly, without a doubt the right choice. There are always countless “what-ifs” and hypothetical situations that will find their way into our minds, even after we have made a well-thought out choice. Peace of mind is our acquaintance, not a close friend.
2) Navigating relationships is a whole other ball game. Especially in this day and age, when the hook-up culture is so prevalent and constant communication is completely plausible. There is so much to over-analyze, so many signs to read into. “Why did he sent a winky face emoji instead of a normal smile? Why did he end that sentence with a period and not an exclamation point? Is he mad at me? Oh god, he’s mad…what did I do? Shit, now he sent a smiley face. Does that mean we are okay?” And impressively enough, we can go on and on.
3) We run away from uncertain outcomes (see number two). I can only speak for the over-thinker in myself here, but I know when I start reading too much into a person or a situation, I convince myself to end it before the other person can. This way I retain control and hurt myself rather than the other person hurting me, as if one is preferable over the other.
4) We can’t compartmentalize. If something is wrong in one part of our life, it will likely consume our thoughts in other parts of life as well. We are good at hiding this and being productive regardless, but it’s still there, nibbling at the back of our minds until we can get home, collapse on the couch, and give it our full attention.
5) We don’t live in the moment. Some people can do this well, or claim to, but we are completely incapable. Each moment leads to another, and another, and another… And suddenly we are five years down the road, wondering how this decision is going to affect us then, rather than enjoying the spontaneity.
6) Buyer’s remorse. When buying an electronic, for example, we spend hours researching and decided which best fits our needs, only to change our minds multiple times. Then after being almost sure and purchasing one, the remorse kicks in and we imagine how much better that iPhone would have treated us than the Android we chose…
7) We rarely enjoy experiences to the fullest extent. This isn’t because we aren’t happy or wish we were elsewhere. We just wish we could have found a way to combine every possible choice to have a perfect, happy, blended assortment, leaving no room for wondering about the alternative.
But even through the struggles and the uncertainty, through telling our minds to just, for the love of God, shut the hell up already, we manage to come out the other side. We manage to hold our lives together because we think our choices through… and as often as this burdens us, it also frees us from less favorable outcomes.

A piece on Thought Catalog I can really relate to. I’ve been told that I worry too much, but oh god I can never stop stressing out about something, anything at all. It feels like my brain is stuck on a permanent worry mode.

Being an indecisive person in day-to-day life may not sound like the greatest of burdens in this troubled world, but it certainly presents its challenges. Challenges that people who are not chronic over-thinkers don’t even know exist in their la-de-dah, it’ll-all-work-out, easy-go-lucky state of mind (lucky them).

Being an experienced chronic over-thinker myself, I can’t even walk into a Coldstone for ice cream without having a minor panic attack over the array of flavors, and on top of that, the add-ins and toppings. And god, what size do I want? It’s too much. What if I choose one flavor, but then realize I want the other? There’s no going back, I’m stuck with the cake batter and Heath what in the world was I thinking? Why did I make such a stupid choice? I. Am. An. Idiot. I should have picked the chocolate. Yeah, that chocolate was definitely calling my name…

And before we chronic over-thinkers know it, the poorly chosen cake batter and Heath is gone, and we barely enjoyed one bite because time and energy were spent thinking about the chocolate.

But what exactly goes on in our minds? Here’s a start (and trust me, this list is just grazing the surface; see, already over-thinking):

1) Nothing is ever 100 percent, certainly, without a doubt the right choice. There are always countless “what-ifs” and hypothetical situations that will find their way into our minds, even after we have made a well-thought out choice. Peace of mind is our acquaintance, not a close friend.

2) Navigating relationships is a whole other ball game. Especially in this day and age, when the hook-up culture is so prevalent and constant communication is completely plausible. There is so much to over-analyze, so many signs to read into. “Why did he sent a winky face emoji instead of a normal smile? Why did he end that sentence with a period and not an exclamation point? Is he mad at me? Oh god, he’s mad…what did I do? Shit, now he sent a smiley face. Does that mean we are okay?” And impressively enough, we can go on and on.

3) We run away from uncertain outcomes (see number two). I can only speak for the over-thinker in myself here, but I know when I start reading too much into a person or a situation, I convince myself to end it before the other person can. This way I retain control and hurt myself rather than the other person hurting me, as if one is preferable over the other.

4) We can’t compartmentalize. If something is wrong in one part of our life, it will likely consume our thoughts in other parts of life as well. We are good at hiding this and being productive regardless, but it’s still there, nibbling at the back of our minds until we can get home, collapse on the couch, and give it our full attention.

5) We don’t live in the moment. Some people can do this well, or claim to, but we are completely incapable. Each moment leads to another, and another, and another… And suddenly we are five years down the road, wondering how this decision is going to affect us then, rather than enjoying the spontaneity.

6) Buyer’s remorse. When buying an electronic, for example, we spend hours researching and decided which best fits our needs, only to change our minds multiple times. Then after being almost sure and purchasing one, the remorse kicks in and we imagine how much better that iPhone would have treated us than the Android we chose…

7) We rarely enjoy experiences to the fullest extent. This isn’t because we aren’t happy or wish we were elsewhere. We just wish we could have found a way to combine every possible choice to have a perfect, happy, blended assortment, leaving no room for wondering about the alternative.

But even through the struggles and the uncertainty, through telling our minds to just, for the love of God, shut the hell up already, we manage to come out the other side. We manage to hold our lives together because we think our choices through… and as often as this burdens us, it also frees us from less favorable outcomes.

A piece on Thought Catalog I can really relate to. I’ve been told that I worry too much, but oh god I can never stop stressing out about something, anything at all. It feels like my brain is stuck on a permanent worry mode.

"I need fork and knife."
Most.
Embarrassing.
Thing.
Said.
By.
Me.
In.
A.
Japanese.
Restaurant.
Ever.
I think I just like disgraced thousands of years worth of chopstick wielding ancestors.

"I need fork and knife."

Most.

Embarrassing.

Thing.

Said.

By.

Me.

In.

A.

Japanese.

Restaurant.

Ever.

I think I just like disgraced thousands of years worth of chopstick wielding ancestors.

sweetaldehyde asked
It's been about two years since I broke up with my ex. Although I was the one who broke up with him, I still wanted to check up on him and know how he's doing. The last time I tried texting him, he told me he was still into me and feels miserable when I left him, even after a few months. So when is the best time that I can approach him again to get to know how he's doing?

Hi Ano- OMG a real actual unanonymous person, hello!!

I can totally relate with the feeling of wanting to get back in touch with an ex after having severed all ties with him following a painful break up. I was the one who was in your ex’s position though; my ex was the one who pulled the trigger (before selfishly dragging me back when I started moving on, seeing someone new, the works; and somehow I am painted as the villain for the entire thing) and I was the one left behind trying to pick the pieces of me back up and moving on.

If you’re asking me about what I (Ryan the person with his own experiences) should do, DON’T. Your ex is clearly distressed by having to deal with wounds he hasn’t fully recovered from, and your returning would yank them all open again. For me at least. It would be a lot easier for me to pretend that an ex who had hurt me never exists, that there is no chance for reconciliation and that we never meet again in this life or after or ever.

If you’re asking the (unqualified, uncertified) counselor me, consider your motives behind making such a move (Breines, 2014). Be honest with yourself: what is the deepest reason why you are initiating said contact again. Is it worth the pain the other party may feel? Are you prepared to renegotiate a relationship with an ex partner and sticking firm to new boundaries where he may not be as close to you as before, that he is not obligated to tell you everything… In short, the new relationship would not be like the old, more intense, more coupled, more loving, more togethered one.

In all honesty, I am unable to ever reconnect with the ex. Too much anger, resentment and disappointment there.

The funniest feeling when I noticed my name being shifted from the ‘saved’ section of the prayer list in the church handout I came right across to ‘unsaved’ column.
An odd sort of pride in me that goes “Hell yes about time you people stopped assuming that I am with y’all, just because of some magic words you guys forced me to say when I was a kid and I had no idea what I was getting myself into other than that if I did not chant those words along with you I would be in for a lot of doodoo after Sunday school.”.
An odd sort of annoyance in me that goes “What the hell, no one uninvites me like that, so don’t you people dare to be nice to my face and going all preachy about how nice it is to spend an eternity in heaven with y’all when you just bitchily implied Imma burn in hell.”.
Child in a church going fundamentalist family problems.

The funniest feeling when I noticed my name being shifted from the ‘saved’ section of the prayer list in the church handout I came right across to ‘unsaved’ column.

An odd sort of pride in me that goes “Hell yes about time you people stopped assuming that I am with y’all, just because of some magic words you guys forced me to say when I was a kid and I had no idea what I was getting myself into other than that if I did not chant those words along with you I would be in for a lot of doodoo after Sunday school.”.

An odd sort of annoyance in me that goes “What the hell, no one uninvites me like that, so don’t you people dare to be nice to my face and going all preachy about how nice it is to spend an eternity in heaven with y’all when you just bitchily implied Imma burn in hell.”.

Child in a church going fundamentalist family problems.

Played 36 times

Don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign away my life to
Someone who’s got the flavor
But don’t have no follow through.

Don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign no monkey papers
I don’t do funny business
Not interested in fakers.

Paper Gangsta
Lady Gaga