Disclaimer: real names of places, people and events may have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me.
It’s party o’clock!
Huge hugs and thank you! I try to answer questions when I can but sometimes the inbox just goes all exploding; I have this ginormous backlog and I figure the easiest way to get through it is to pick the most urgent sounding ones which I think I can help in some way by replying.
I dislike the unspoken cultural rules that dictate male behavior. You probably know them: strong, masculine, assertive, proactive, violent and such. They reduce all men to one dumb stereotype to live up to and fail to recognize the entire spectrum of positive qualities a man can possess. A thoughtful, sensitive and caring man can be even more attractive than a dumb Neanderthal jock who cares only about his next beer or fuck. YUCK.
I think you are great the way you are! I am sure that you possess qualities that are really attractive too. Why chase appearances and pretend to be somebody you’re not, when living an authentic and truthful life is so much more empowering? Mark McCormack wrote quite a lot about masculinity in Psychology Today; I hope some of his articles may be able to help you in your journey of self discovery!
Hey Anon! I am so sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier, I hope you feel better today with a new week and all?
Huge hugs! Just because somebody does not see your worth, does not diminish your worth in any way. I believe you are a wonderful person; you’ve got one vote on that matter right from me!
I am really worried about the suicidal ideation you may be feeling. Do speak to someone, anyone at all (and give the Samaritans of Singapore a try, they have wonderful people staffing the lines who are really friendly and you don’t even have to be like, super suicidal or stuff to call, and they are really happy to be able to talk and point you towards any other resources you may need). It takes time for the black fog to lift. I had expected myself to be happy again by starting on antidepressants, doing therapy, going out with friends and such; truth is, just as the fog did not settle over my mood overnight and get me all down, the fog isn’t going to lift just like that. It is a meandering journey out of the darkness, one that I did not enjoy but which I now regard as having been a great source of self discovery and marshalling of personal strengths I never knew I had possessed.
Hang in there. You’re not alone in this. I’m rooting for your happy ending!
EDIT: omgitshumpy chipped in with a post as well. Don’t feel alone, it is wonderful you succeeded in realizing the sadness inside has been eating away at you! I relate to the ambivalence about suicide: we want to end it all, yet the consequences are terrifying. Don’t ignore the cries of help around us. Sometimes just talking about the scary, uncomfortable and overwhelming thoughts on the inside makes them a lot less scary, uncomfortable and overwhelming. We are all rooting for you Anon!
Thank you for the very nice note! Sensation and perception in psychology got me really interested in photography and the factors in creating aesthetically pleasing compositions; check some of these stuff out (Suler, ???).
I am still in therapy to deal with the lingering bits of myself I feel unhappy about. I probably don’t meet the diagnostic threshold for my previous diagnoses of depression and bulimia any longer because the symptoms no longer cripple my life (badly), but I find that the unhealthy cognitions, attachment styles and perhaps personality tendencies that I had carried with me all my life and which provided a fertile ground for the disorders to take root in the very first place, they’re what that continue to cause distress for me in day to day functioning and that’s why I continue therapy.
I think that psychotherapy or counseling can be really helpful for even people who are not mentally unwell; it helps you peel back the layers of yourself you have always taken for granted and assumed is unchangeable or that you’re unaware of, and it’s this huge journey of self discovery that is really satisfying and empowering and personally meaningful.
Thank you for the compliment! Definitely got me blushing right here.
I think that sexual attraction is not an exclusive choice thing where you tick a box in heterosexual/homosexual/asexual/pansexual/whateversexual categories. Most people probably fall on a spot somewhere along a continuum with attraction towards purely the same sex on one end and attraction for purely the other on the other end. I liked some girls in the past as well, but I never experienced a physical desire (I guess it can be more accurately described as desiring a deep emotional companionship with some people regardless of their physical sex) to well, do Bad Naughty Things with them the same way I would feel if you plopped the guy of my dreams right in front of me.
Take your time! You do not have to force yourself into a category or label to describe yourself with. Right now I am pretty sure of my own orientation (who knows there is a non-zero chance of it shifting but I highly doubt so); if I had decided for myself earlier in life that Ryan is ‘gay’ and took on every associated baggage that the label brought with it without considering whether they truly applied to me, I am pretty sure I would be a much unhappier person right now.