Disclaimer: real names of places, people and events may have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me.
Thank you for the compliment! Definitely got me blushing right here.
I think that sexual attraction is not an exclusive choice thing where you tick a box in heterosexual/homosexual/asexual/pansexual/whateversexual categories. Most people probably fall on a spot somewhere along a continuum with attraction towards purely the same sex on one end and attraction for purely the other on the other end. I liked some girls in the past as well, but I never experienced a physical desire (I guess it can be more accurately described as desiring a deep emotional companionship with some people regardless of their physical sex) to well, do Bad Naughty Things with them the same way I would feel if you plopped the guy of my dreams right in front of me.
Take your time! You do not have to force yourself into a category or label to describe yourself with. Right now I am pretty sure of my own orientation (who knows there is a non-zero chance of it shifting but I highly doubt so); if I had decided for myself earlier in life that Ryan is ‘gay’ and took on every associated baggage that the label brought with it without considering whether they truly applied to me, I am pretty sure I would be a much unhappier person right now.
First of all, huge hugs to you! I’ve never been happy with my body since as far back as I can remember (been a fat kid, fat boy, fat teen…), so I can totally relate to your question. I find it utterly unfair to blame the victim (the overweight individual) and say that all he or she has to do is exert some willpower and lose the weight; there is a genetic factor (Walley, Blakemore & Froguel, 2006) in play (amongst other factors such as socioeconomic, cultural and such) which can affect an individual’s weight. It can be really unfair watching bigger sized people diet so hard and pour blood, sweat and tears in shedding pounds that refuse to move, while some super lean guys (I’m looking at you, one particular bean stalk sized friend!) put away super sized meals and I wonder, do you have a black hole inside you or something because I don’t even see a tummy bulge on you when you stand up and stretch after that meal! And it is a double whammy for us because the gay dating/partying scene tend to place a premium on physical appearance.
I’m for body acceptance at any size. I don’t believe one needs to be a particular weight to be healthy. Unfortunately, we rarely diet and work out to be healthy; we do it to look good. Which is totally understandable too, and is in fact a huge reason why many people begin on a diet in the first place (Whitehead, Ozakinci, Stephen & Perrett, 2012). What I think works better in getting ourselves to a body shape we like would be through positive reinforcement, as opposed to punishment which I suspect you may be engaging in at the moment.
An example of punishment: “I hate my body I am not going to buy myself new clothes until I lose 5 kilograms.”
An example of positive reinforcement: “Yay I made it to the gym today! Shut up inner perfectionist, I might not have done everything perfectly but I am sure I did at least 70% of it right. I deserve a nice warm shower and let’s take a walk round the mall after and if we see something nice or sexy, let’s get it!”
We tend to respond better to positive reinforcement and stick to a pattern of behavior established by that compared to one characterized by punishment. Give it a try! Slow baby steps. I remind myself that though I am feeling like poop every morning when I look at my flabby body, each little inch I crawl towards a better body adds up towards a better body a week, month, year from now.
You can spend your whole life analyzing
Justifying, quantifying, and dividing
Till there’s nothing anymore.
Why don’t you just close your eyes
And kiss my lips and let it go
Just let it flow
It’s what I’m waiting for.
Don’t have to be a genius
To figure what’s between us.
Believe it or not, I am just like you (Anon’s boyfriend) in the past (just ask that mythical Ex of mine); I hated it when he interacted with anyone else on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, in person or whatever. It shook me up quite a bit when he pointed out that he would have to become a virtual recluse and not have any other friends if he acceded to my demands. It took us breaking up for me to see (among many other things) that it wasn’t him who was at fault, but me who had to kind of learn how to manage my insecurities and learn that a boyfriend is a team-mate and not an object I can possess and manipulate according to my whims.
You have a good boyfriend who is very willing to be honest with you. Love him while you can! And be honest with him too. No great love lasted with abusive coercion. Love lasts with positive reinforcement. Living proof of it right here: me!
To Anon: don’t let me become something that might break your relationship up! I totally understand the anger and possessiveness your boyfriend may feel at the moment. Do allow him to work through those feelings at his own pace? It is way easy for people to write him off as an unreasonable oaf (I have been right there too and I definitely deserve that considering my own oafish behavior!), but I believe people have the capacity to change. With love and insight into his own psyche, he would come round, I am sure of that. I hope he has a therapist or someone he trusts who he can speak to? I have been awfully blessed to be able to have my own to work with me through some rough bits. Perhaps Oogachaga may be able to provide counseling help! Hang in there and do speak to someone you can trust and who cares for you too. You owe it to yourself. Sending you massive amounts of love. Above everything else, do take good care of yourself all right? I’m wishing the very best to you and your boyfriend! Hugs!
I wish I have a snappy comeback to this question that has been clogging my inbox up (and yes, this one is representative of all the variations on “top/btm” and whatever). Unfortunately I don’t. Truth is, it isn’t the physical mechanics or whatever of the act that gets my knickers in a wet bunch, but getting all intimate with a person I love which gets me all hot, flushed and bothered. I suppose going anal is the cultural epitome of like, love expression or whatever in the gay world (like how straight people go “Do you wanna go all the way?”).
PS: And if you’re considering trying this question again, no. Just don’t. I think that categorizing people into neat boxes of ‘top/masculine/assertive’ and ‘bottom/feminine/receptive’ does them a great disservice because you foist associated stereotypes right on them, and I don’t think most people fit neatly into these categories. But
writing ranting about that would result in a gabillion long word essay that is too much for my frazzled brain to handle tonight.