Disclaimer: real names of places, people and events may have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me.

XOXO, R.

 

Played 14 times

I’m sick and tired of hearing all about my life
From other bitches with all of your lies
Wrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth, shut your mouth
Shut your fucking mouth!

Honestly, I think it’s kinda funny that you waste
Your breath talking about me
Got me feeling kinda special really (so this is what your all about).

Girl, your such a backstabber
Oh girl, you’re such a shit talker
And everybody knows it (everybody knows it).

Backstabber
Kesha

I’ve been a pushover for as long as I can remember; it probably stems from my neurotic need to be liked by everyone and my inability to say no assertively without feeling that terrible sense of guilt welling up from within.
This week has been an experiment: to say no instead of yes when I want to say is no.
And it has been really empowering.
It is tiring having to smile, put a polite face on and find ways to communicate my want to say no in the face of pressure. More sensitive people pick up on it; the rude and egocentric simply bulldoze past those signs. Not that I am absolved of all blame, considering I had never came right out and said “You know what? I don’t want to say yes but I am only saying yes because of all the pressure you’re putting on me to do so.”
What worked for me:1) Setting explicit boundaries with myself; about what I can tolerate, how much rude can I take before continuing to do so diminishes my own self-respect, what I want to do and what I do not want to do, how much leeway am I prepared to compromise in any and all negotiations (because, face it, I am not the center of the universe).2) In the face of rudeness, I can choose to disengage and terminate the interaction with whoever is making me feel bad.3) Reminding myself that saying yes to things I don’t want to do means disrespecting myself and opening the door to self-flaggelation later on.4) I don’t ever need to qualify or explain my nos. If I don’t have time (or the mental energy) to meet a person, I don’t have to be all apologetic and promise to ‘make up for it’ if I really don’t want to.5) I am answerable to nobody else but me.6) No guilt-tripping anyone to get what I want, and neither will I tolerate anyone’s attempt to guilt-tripping me.

I’ve been a pushover for as long as I can remember; it probably stems from my neurotic need to be liked by everyone and my inability to say no assertively without feeling that terrible sense of guilt welling up from within.

This week has been an experiment: to say no instead of yes when I want to say is no.

And it has been really empowering.

It is tiring having to smile, put a polite face on and find ways to communicate my want to say no in the face of pressure. More sensitive people pick up on it; the rude and egocentric simply bulldoze past those signs. Not that I am absolved of all blame, considering I had never came right out and said “You know what? I don’t want to say yes but I am only saying yes because of all the pressure you’re putting on me to do so.”

What worked for me:
1) Setting explicit boundaries with myself; about what I can tolerate, how much rude can I take before continuing to do so diminishes my own self-respect, what I want to do and what I do not want to do, how much leeway am I prepared to compromise in any and all negotiations (because, face it, I am not the center of the universe).
2) In the face of rudeness, I can choose to disengage and terminate the interaction with whoever is making me feel bad.
3) Reminding myself that saying yes to things I don’t want to do means disrespecting myself and opening the door to self-flaggelation later on.
4) I don’t ever need to qualify or explain my nos. If I don’t have time (or the mental energy) to meet a person, I don’t have to be all apologetic and promise to ‘make up for it’ if I really don’t want to.
5) I am answerable to nobody else but me.
6) No guilt-tripping anyone to get what I want, and neither will I tolerate anyone’s attempt to guilt-tripping me.

The world is negative enough as it already is, and I try my best to not add any more negativity to it.
But there are times when all I want to do is run a skewer through you and pop your head on a pike.

The world is negative enough as it already is, and I try my best to not add any more negativity to it.

But there are times when all I want to do is run a skewer through you and pop your head on a pike.

Anonymous asked
What is clubbing like? -newbie

Hi Anon!

Well… I guess it depends which club you hit. Some are classy, some are sleazy, some are run down, some are empty… But I’ve always found the determining factor of how fun the night would be being: the gang you hit the clubs with. It’s a lot more enjoyable with people you know and trust (it’s a lot more fun doing shots and screaming Whoo!! with friends, not to mention that they’ve got your back, would not let you go home with some stranger you definitely not want to swap DNA with and who you’d have porridge with after in the event that you all are still alive at four in the morning).

Have fun and good luck on your first trip!

It has been two weeks without artificial sweeteners for me, thanks to alarming research suggesting they can promote weight gain and obesity (Feehley and Nagler, 2014).
My first reaction: “OH SHIT, NO MORE COKE LIGHT.”
My next reaction: “(the therapist) would be going all I TOLD YOU SO!! the next time we meet.”

It has been two weeks without artificial sweeteners for me, thanks to alarming research suggesting they can promote weight gain and obesity (Feehley and Nagler, 2014).

My first reaction: “OH SHIT, NO MORE COKE LIGHT.

My next reaction: “(the therapist) would be going all I TOLD YOU SO!! the next time we meet.”

Played 42 times

Come to me
In all your glamour and cruelty.
Just do that thing that you do
And I’ll undress you.

Artpop
Lady Gaga

Anonymous asked
Hey Ryan! I'm fat. I wanna convert those fats into muscle before I enlist into the army. I work out about 2 or 3 times per week but I'm not getting the results I want. It's nice seeing those AJs who have nice body swimming in the pool while I'm trying to cover myself with a towel sitting at the side. It's embarrassing. Really. Hope you will help me. Hugs.

Hi Anon!

I totally relate to how you feel; and hey, you are one better than me already, I avoid public skin baring circumstances at any and all costs!

On the practical side of things, consider systematic desensitization (it’s basically about creating a hierarchy of things you fear and attempting them from easiest to hardest; in this situation it may begin with not covering yourself with a towel when there is no one else around for five minutes, and work progressively up to the final behavior goal of not needing to cover yourself with a towel at all when you’re at the pool).

Could there be any beliefs about baring your body that factor into the behavior? Perhaps one belief may you are observed by others while at the pool, and another that anything less than a perfect body cannot be exposed? These beliefs (sometimes unconscious, sometimes conscious, almost always unsaid) shape our behaviors. Examine these beliefs; some, if not most of them may be irrational or exaggerated.

People come in all shapes and sizes. I think that true happiness comes not from squeezing yourself into a certain shape, but in celebrating and loving yourself the way you already are! Self-hatred doesn’t seem to be effective motivation for change (Bandura, 1990; this one seems to be behind a paywall but another of his articles written in 1993 covers similar ground); it may sound counterintuitive but positive change arises from self-acceptance and a positive view of yourself.

What I really look 99.7% of the time when I type “LOL!!!!!!!!!!!111!”.
LOL.

What I really look 99.7% of the time when I type “LOL!!!!!!!!!!!111!”.

LOL.


I used to tell a lot of half-truths. Not on purpose. I just didn’t know how to be honest about who I was or what I needed or what felt right to me. I spent a lot of time demanding that my feelings be wrong and I’d stuff them down and they’d come right back into my throat as I tried to sleep, the darkness and the silence a perfect muse for my personal betrayals. I didn’t want to admit certain things about myself, sometimes this would be fueled by shame and other times from fear of rejection and other times just any way fear could be manifested (which, is a lot of ways as it turns out). 
And, it has only been recently that I’ve realized each of these tiny betrayals multiply and soon they become walls that I’ve put up between myself and others and between myself and my true self. I used to think it was polite or proper or better or whatever to keep my feelings to myself, to acclimate around someone else instead of speaking out against a behavior I didn’t love, and that it was better to quit, to run, to cut out, than it was to stick, to stay. I’ve never been great at staying. Or, as it turns out, telling the actual truth. These were, apparently, not my strong suits, without my even realizing it. I thought for many years that going to sleep with that heavy-hearted panic was normal.
Here’s the thing we don’t realize about the parts of ourselves we hide away from the world: those secrets, those little half-truths end up owning us. We define ourselves by the things we are not saying, by the things we keep on our heart we don’t let out. And, we become consumed almost entirely not by what we are doing, but what we are not doing; not by what we are saying, but what we are not saying. Our secrets, our little betrayals we commit onto ourselves, our I’m fine’s when we’re not fine, these end up becoming much more than small, momentary infractions. They multiply. And, each of these betrayals lead us further and further from being true to ourselves.
Here in LA, I used to go to Marianne Williamson’s Monday night spiritual lectures and, at least once a night at those lectures, Marianne would talk about how we are safest in our vulnerability and defenselessness. That was one of those spiritual concepts that I would take in and I’d nod and I’d think, yeah, that’s a good idea on the surface, but I had no practical application of the concept, so it was still an abstract, floaty idea of something that sounded like it was probably going to be true.
I think I get it now. And I feel what she means about feeling safe in our defenselessness. When we empty our hearts of fears and those feelings we truly do not want to be feeling, but are feeling regardless of our desire to feel them, what is there to protect ourselves from? When we have nothing to hide, what can be used against us? When we are no longer owned by the secrets and betrayals and hidden parts of ourselves, then wouldn’t it follow that we’d be free?
Because, if you think about it, we spend a lot of time hiding ourselves away in one way or another. We try to be people we are not. We chase after things without ever examining why we’re chasing in the first place. We live on autopilot. We survive. And, that’s okay. Sometimes we have to do that. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of self-examination because we are far too consumed with the business of living.
Yet, we must practice emptying our hearts. We can no longer be owned and dictated by what we’re hiding away. We must face the world with radical empty-heartedness. This is the only way we know if we’re being authentic. And, I know, I know, the word “authentic” has been bastardized to an almost imperceptible, nauseating point, but all it means is the truth of you. We can’t hold onto people in our lives who don’t know the Truth of Us. Because, what we’re doing when we hide ourselves away is giving ourselves a false sense of security, that if we become who we think we should be as dictated by everyone but the person that matters (you), then we will be able to bring forward that which we desire.
We have it backwards though. It is when we become empty-hearted that we can attract into our lives that which is meant to be there, that which will bring forth what we need to have brought forth. We can’t manipulate people into loving us or manipulate jobs or manipulate dreams to manifest. Well, I guess, we can, technically. But, that’s not the kind of life you or I want.
Once we can face the world completely defenseless, empty-hearted, with nothing to lose, nothing to be afraid of losing, no identity too strongly-held to us, no secrets, no betrayals, that is when the magic happens. That’s when we start cultivating a life of richness in ways that have very little to do with money. It’s deepness. Deeper relationships. Stronger love. More truth. More knowing. The lessening of that panic-state of being found out, seen.
We can bring forward the real stuff. The work and career that will lift us up, perhaps at a company or in an industry we never thought we’d be in. The relationships with lovers and friends we never expected, but which fit perfectly. The experiences that are more us, deeper, more enriching, things we’d never think to try, but are exactly what brings out the best parts of who we are. This is when it gets good, right at the empty-hearted point. When you take what’s inside and turn it out for the world to see. When you are immortalized and invincible not from death, but from fear. Because, really, fear is what we’re afraid of anyway. Yet, invincible from the siren call of fear. What could be possible then?

A really inspiring piece from Thought Catalog that really resonated for me, because I’ve been struggling with trying to be authentic and real with myself and coming up against a fear of seeing who I really am, that I might be a person I disapprove of.

I used to tell a lot of half-truths. Not on purpose. I just didn’t know how to be honest about who I was or what I needed or what felt right to me. I spent a lot of time demanding that my feelings be wrong and I’d stuff them down and they’d come right back into my throat as I tried to sleep, the darkness and the silence a perfect muse for my personal betrayals. I didn’t want to admit certain things about myself, sometimes this would be fueled by shame and other times from fear of rejection and other times just any way fear could be manifested (which, is a lot of ways as it turns out). 

And, it has only been recently that I’ve realized each of these tiny betrayals multiply and soon they become walls that I’ve put up between myself and others and between myself and my true self. I used to think it was polite or proper or better or whatever to keep my feelings to myself, to acclimate around someone else instead of speaking out against a behavior I didn’t love, and that it was better to quit, to run, to cut out, than it was to stick, to stay. I’ve never been great at staying. Or, as it turns out, telling the actual truth. These were, apparently, not my strong suits, without my even realizing it. I thought for many years that going to sleep with that heavy-hearted panic was normal.

Here’s the thing we don’t realize about the parts of ourselves we hide away from the world: those secrets, those little half-truths end up owning us. We define ourselves by the things we are not saying, by the things we keep on our heart we don’t let out. And, we become consumed almost entirely not by what we are doing, but what we are not doing; not by what we are saying, but what we are not saying. Our secrets, our little betrayals we commit onto ourselves, our I’m fine’s when we’re not fine, these end up becoming much more than small, momentary infractions. They multiply. And, each of these betrayals lead us further and further from being true to ourselves.

Here in LA, I used to go to Marianne Williamson’s Monday night spiritual lectures and, at least once a night at those lectures, Marianne would talk about how we are safest in our vulnerability and defenselessness. That was one of those spiritual concepts that I would take in and I’d nod and I’d think, yeah, that’s a good idea on the surface, but I had no practical application of the concept, so it was still an abstract, floaty idea of something that sounded like it was probably going to be true.

I think I get it now. And I feel what she means about feeling safe in our defenselessness. When we empty our hearts of fears and those feelings we truly do not want to be feeling, but are feeling regardless of our desire to feel them, what is there to protect ourselves from? When we have nothing to hide, what can be used against us? When we are no longer owned by the secrets and betrayals and hidden parts of ourselves, then wouldn’t it follow that we’d be free?

Because, if you think about it, we spend a lot of time hiding ourselves away in one way or another. We try to be people we are not. We chase after things without ever examining why we’re chasing in the first place. We live on autopilot. We survive. And, that’s okay. Sometimes we have to do that. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of self-examination because we are far too consumed with the business of living.

Yet, we must practice emptying our hearts. We can no longer be owned and dictated by what we’re hiding away. We must face the world with radical empty-heartedness. This is the only way we know if we’re being authentic. And, I know, I know, the word “authentic” has been bastardized to an almost imperceptible, nauseating point, but all it means is the truth of you. We can’t hold onto people in our lives who don’t know the Truth of Us. Because, what we’re doing when we hide ourselves away is giving ourselves a false sense of security, that if we become who we think we should be as dictated by everyone but the person that matters (you), then we will be able to bring forward that which we desire.

We have it backwards though. It is when we become empty-hearted that we can attract into our lives that which is meant to be there, that which will bring forth what we need to have brought forth. We can’t manipulate people into loving us or manipulate jobs or manipulate dreams to manifest. Well, I guess, we can, technically. But, that’s not the kind of life you or I want.

Once we can face the world completely defenseless, empty-hearted, with nothing to lose, nothing to be afraid of losing, no identity too strongly-held to us, no secrets, no betrayals, that is when the magic happens. That’s when we start cultivating a life of richness in ways that have very little to do with money. It’s deepness. Deeper relationships. Stronger love. More truth. More knowing. The lessening of that panic-state of being found out, seen.

We can bring forward the real stuff. The work and career that will lift us up, perhaps at a company or in an industry we never thought we’d be in. The relationships with lovers and friends we never expected, but which fit perfectly. The experiences that are more us, deeper, more enriching, things we’d never think to try, but are exactly what brings out the best parts of who we are. This is when it gets good, right at the empty-hearted point. When you take what’s inside and turn it out for the world to see. When you are immortalized and invincible not from death, but from fear. Because, really, fear is what we’re afraid of anyway. Yet, invincible from the siren call of fear. What could be possible then?

A really inspiring piece from Thought Catalog that really resonated for me, because I’ve been struggling with trying to be authentic and real with myself and coming up against a fear of seeing who I really am, that I might be a person I disapprove of.

Played 48 times

Take me away
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Always let love take the lead.

I may be a little naive, yeah
You know I’m drunk on love
Drunk on love!
Nothing can sober me up
It’s all that I need, yeah.

Drunk On Love
Rihanna