Disclaimer: real names of places, people and events may have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. Namely, me.
You sound like you are going through a really rough patch there, so here’s a huge hug for you! I hope that things have started looking up since you sent this to me? I can really relate to your feelings of being stuck in a position of unrequited love, the whole unfairness and anger towards it all.
Going over all the things you did and comparing that against what he did for you never works. It is all too easy to maximize our own suffering ("Can you believe I took that fucking one hour long bus ride to his school carrying his favorite sushi all just because he mentioned he was hungry when I could have been doing better things with my time like going for a manicure?!") and minimize that of his ("I never asked you to come over after work with that green tea latte anyway, so don’t you get all prissy and bitchy at me just because you’re sweating in your work clothes okay?!"), with the end result being that we will almost invariable end up with a conclusion skewed in our favor ("Oh my god poor me being taken advantaged of all the time!!!").
Expectations breed unhappiness and anxiety. What I found helpful for myself was recognizing that I have certain expectations towards some people and that these expectations are my own selfish ones alone. Which is pretty unfair to them, if I take a step back and think about it, because I am expecting them to be somebody they aren’t. And unfair to myself too, because all I am doing is setting myself up for, at best, okay-lor (since they just meet your expectations) and at worst, disappointment (when they fail to meet your expectations).
The expectations you have towards this person sound like they are causing you a lot of pain and pushing you towards making choices you normally wouldn’t do. Would ceasing contact with this person for a little while help in getting you back on stable ground, back into a calm state of mind and being able to make rational choices and see things as they are again? If so, that may be a choice worth considering and doing.
Thank you for sending in this really frank confessional, it is really brave of you to air feelings that most of us find disagreeable and prefer to squash away on the inside and pretend don’t exist! Huge hugs to you; the first step to acceptance and love (not just to others, but to yourself as well) is recognizing and then embracing all aspects of yourself without judging whether they are good or bad.
I don’t want to speak for every person, but I daresay a significant majority of guys who identify as out and proud gays continue to carry about the culturally conditioned stigma against effeminate behavior and the belief that men should engage only in masculine behavior (or be emasculated and be all women-y and whatever). Gender studies is not my area of expertise and I am not sure about the current state of research and knowledge in the area; my very layperson’s understanding is that our current societal arrangement tends towards benefiting the male with negative attributes being assigned to the feminine.
A top is the person performing penetration in sexual intercourse and a bottom is the person being penetrated by during intercourse. Notice how quickly we ascribe masculine characteristics to the former and feminine characteristics to the latter without even pausing to find out anything more about these hypothetical people!
I am really glad that you are aware of the internalized fem-phobia that seem to have been drilled into all of us. Look at people as people. Each and every one of us has a story of our own to tell, a story of how we got here, a story of what made us the person we are right now and a story of where we are going from here. It’s hard to hate what you empathize with. Behind every drag queen’s eyelashes is a living, breathing guy who is no different from you and me.
Every little thing that you say or do
I’m hung up
I’m hung up on you.
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I’m fed up
I’m tired of waiting on you.
I am so sorry to hear you have to go through that… Here is a huge hug for you. It must feel terrible hanging on 24/7 waiting for some sort of response from him!
Requisite disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychologist/relationship or marriage therapist and I am answering questions on Tumblr to the best of my knowledge or ability. I would be more than happy to help you look for and hook you up with a lot more qualified source of help, just drop me a note in my inbox with your email address and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
I admit that given the lack of details I am not too sure what may be the circumstances behind the distance and strain which seems to be appearing in the relationship. I would suggest telling him that you are feeling neglected lately and setting an appointment to sit down together, have his full attention and have a talk, address all these feelings percolating on your inside and making you feel even more upset, and to figure out where to go from there on. Perhaps the boyfriend has his own concerns and feelings he needs to air too; do allow him to express them, listen to them and respect them just as much as you want him to do the same for you. I am sure that with honesty and mutual respect, you guys would be able to work out a mutually beneficial outcome as opposed to this upsetting status quo existing at the moment.
I hope this piece by Lerner (2013) may be of some help to you too!
Oh my god of course not Anon!! I suppose it is kind of like the grass being greener on the other side kind of thing; I wish I have kept mine for someone important and who is my first, last and True Everlasting Love (yeah, you can blame Disney movies for that). On the other hand I can also identify with the opposite perspective of like, “Everyone has done it but me, am I a freak or something?”.
Take your time. Honest. Do it when you are ready, with someone who loves you, respects you. Too many friends and I agree that we wasted ours on a jerk who didn’t care that it actually meant something to us that it was like our, well, big V they’re taking. It’s purely symbolic. But it does matter in some way, when you look back at it in the future and go “Hmm maybe I shouldn’t have let him pop the bleep.”.
Hey Anon! I admit that I do not have specific criteria for answering questions that appear in my inbox. If there is a question you asked but didn’t get answered, it never hurts to try again, because I might have missed it the first time I looked it over in the pile of questions in my inbox.
Some questions that I would not answer:
-Are you dating ___?
-Are you top or bottom?
-Are you gay?
-You are going to hell.
-Would you have sex with me/would you fuck me/would you get fucked by me?
-Show us your cock.
Some questions that I would try my best to answer:
-Those in need of help.
-Those I am confident I can offer some form of help to.
-If you wish to share anything, don’t hesitate in popping them into the ask box; it doesn’t have to be a question, recommendations for movies, books, random thoughts and stuff would rock too!
PS: if you would prefer I reply to your question privately, please indicate a way for me to get back to you whether by email, private messaging by Line or such!